Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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