party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
