the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
