Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
