Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
