I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
