apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
