I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
