hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
