NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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