this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
