you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
