He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
