..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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