I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
