there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
