good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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