We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
