I am midnight drunk by noon
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
