we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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