my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
