So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
