who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
