Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So vagazzling was a success
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
