Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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