you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
