we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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