an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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