I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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