She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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