booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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