I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
