I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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