people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
