I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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