I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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