Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
