I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
