we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Couch. On fire.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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