wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
