the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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