I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
