i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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