We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
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Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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