I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone shattered a urinal.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize