I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
