do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
