So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
