He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It's just like the Real World with babies
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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