i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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