Your mouth is God's brothel.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
