I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
