what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
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my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
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I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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