he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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