That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
