Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
sarcasm needs its own font
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
