i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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