I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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