I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
